about the color green, water and dirt
i was in washington state a few weeks ago. i devoured the green of everything. there were cherries and cheesecakes on the side of a highway that followed an alpine river, prolific blackberry brambles that snatched my ankles and rows of lavender everywhere, expensive gasoline and wines. i felt this abundance was accessible in ways i’m not used to. but i believe in plenty, and plenty anywhere, that sometimes we just need to build it ourselves. no more sitting at a table when love isn’t being served. a little dirt and water is maybe all we need, ‘cause in spite of all our perpetual growths, materialities and possessions, we owe our existence to a couple inches of dirt and ‘the fact that it rains’. so for me, here is the dawn of everything, as much as i can help it. texas is my fate, even if no one believes me, and even when love and space are scarce. the scapes of texas are hard and often oppressive. you gotta work a little harder to get certain things, or be lucky or have certain privileges. sometimes i tell people living in texas feels like staying in a bad relationship. i was in the lushest leafiest place where all the light was caught in the leaves, but there it all falls on me. no escaping it. it reminds me that the most necessary ingredient of shelter is heat. back at home in texas, i read scripture painted on a highway beam about our water here:
“the perfect healer is love, for yes, yip, water is the greatest healer of all… believe it or not”.
leave a little mark
august is closing and i’m all out of crushes. i’m a little sad over that fact but a break from men sounds nice and due. it’s been a fledgling relationship beginning and ending every month and i’m not enjoying this cycle anymore. there’s a little crush lingering but i wanna squash that fantasy. i’m a woman of opportunity and i like potential, but i don’t like to wait around for it. i might overshare but feel no fuss when my guts aren’t involved, but when they are i can’t help but be confused and spend way too much time wondering if they like me. it’s a seductive, sticky thing.
i’m not interested in broadening anyone’s horizons right now. i’ve always been a leader in my romantic relationships, deciding how we spend our time, but somehow not the pace. it leaves a bad taste. in the brief little span of a month, sometimes i stick it out, talking myself into compromises. but i’m not interested in cultivating a man’s ability to be emotional, or self-aware, or kind, or to venture outside their narrow world view. i wanna watch someone impact my world a little bit. leaving a little mark is ok.